Hey guys. I doubt there are very many people actually paying attention to this little diary of mine. 
If there are any, none of them have bothered to comment so I really wouldn't know anyway. heh.

My status of late is kinda in the emo part of of the emotion graph.
Work has drained me of most of my inspiration to do artwork. What little creativity I get is spent practicing/fiddling on my guitar.
Most of my energy is wiped out after work... which, after I've eaten the dinner my mom makes, go upstairs and play video games or watch TV.
My weekends consist of the stuff I do on fridays.. which either means going to funhouse, staying at home, or hanging out with spyke and the gang... 

My energies are usually drained after hanging out with my friends.. which is why I recently have just been going to funhouse alone.  Hanging out with my friends usually means me driving everyone everywhere they want to go. And it's hectic. extremely hectic.. to the point that I said i wouldn't be driving anyone anywhere for three weeks. They just get  too rambunctious in the car and it stresses me out even more.

Lately.. Spyke picked me up from work at 2 on tuesday. We went to RSU to try and get her enrolled there. Everything seemed fine till the Financial aid part.. then the housing part killed the mood since the waiting list was so long that she most likely would not be able to get a dorm room. So she won't be going to RSU. She doesn't know what she'll be doing for college now.. and since HER home life is even more stressful than mine.. she's been talking about joining the air-force, half-jokingly. I don't know if she's serious about it or not.. and it scares the crap out of me. She refuses to stay at my friend's apartment, my friend being incredibly generous and completely understanding about her home situation.. and spyke still won't go through it... and it just frustrates me. 

All my friends have been going through so much crap lately.. and I know I can't do anything to change their home lives.. I still try to help.. and I can't. I sound like a martyr, but I can't stand it when my friends are going through this much bull shit with their parents. And believe me when I say it's bull shit. I have it made compared to them... compared to most teenagers my age.

But my friends.. and work.. aren't really a huge issue to me.  What's really been egging me lately is my own loneliness.
I'm tired of being single. And I don't know what I can do about it. I have so many insecurities about myself.  When I was with Ethan, all those insecurities seemed so insignificant. I felt wanted, cared for, loved, and needed. I miss that. I miss feeling that so much.
It makes me feel desperate. And I hate that feeling, because then I feel pathetic for being desperate. I just need someone.. and not just anyone either.. My tastes in men are so specific that I doubt my tall, thick, dark, handsome, and charming nerd in armor actually exists. Not only that.. but I feel that because I'm desperate, I feel that I really wouldn't love the guy I'm with. I don't know how I could possibly love someone as much as it would be using them to make myself feel better. 

So I feel like I shouldn't be in a relationship for the sake of the other person.. as much as I want to be in one. 

I'm my own worst critic and a glutton for punishment...

HA. as if i had a comic drawn yet. no. I wish. But i am a terrible writer... and i do have other ideas.. but those are stories that i'd rather publish when my non-existant and not-likely dream job of being a game designer takes off.

Anyway.. most of you know that i have a job lined up in downtown Tulsa.. sitting at a neat desk job doing some minor programming grunt work.
I still NEED to know Java in order to program it.. and I was lucky to get the internship cause my dad works at that office.. and he needed someone to do some minor stuff to make his programs easier to use with his fellow employees. He doesn't own the place. But he's well respected there. Anyway.. thanks to him.. i get an easy job with twice the pay I'd get from working at cinemark. I owe my dad a lot of thanks for setting up the program for me. ... when the grunt work is all done he tells me he'll make me learn some other networking stuff..... e.e;

Yea. Workin 8 hours a day monday through friday. e.e; 
On top of that.. i need to take calculus over the summer so i can take a higher math course in the fall semester. joy. I'm hoping i can do it online so that i'll have extra time to have a social life and so that it wont interfere too terribly with my job.  I figure i'll be making $800-900 a pay-check every two weeks. 
with tax taken out. 
It's nice. 
If i don't screw up this summer, my dad says that they'll take me back the next summer and the next and so on.. with an increase in pay each time.

I'll be able to take my friends out to some fancy places every now and then.

I can't wait for Oklacon.. oh. and Tokyo in Tulsa. that'll be epic. 

Me and Nikki saw Forbidden Kingdom today.  It was so-so. They could've chosen a better white nerd.. and a better script writer. Cause if i suddenly found myself in ancient mythical China.. I certainly wouldn't be making references to my hometown as if some other stranger in that time knew about it. GEEZE IT WAS SO CORNY >.<  ... But Jackie Chan made it worth it.. just a little bit. Jet Li made it better.. a little bit. The hot evil warlord guy made it better.. quite a bit more than those other two. He was proof that guys can wear makeup and still look extremely sexy AND masculine.

Oh yea. Renaissance faire this weekend. Takin nikki, spyke, spyke's friend and Melissa. I can't fit anymore people in my  car. e.e;

That's all for now. I hope you enjoyed my ramblings. *poofs*

With Chinese food in my stomach,
Hours passed before the pain began.
Gas expanded, exploding and imploding,
All through the night and into morning.

When first I awoke from restless sleep
And moved the covers off my bed
I felt no hunger, only my innards,
Struggling to keep my dinner inside.

Putting on my clothes and going down the stairs,
I felt no hunger but only the pain
Of a mistake of eating too much food
And longing for it to fade away
 
Sadly no, not a burp or expulsion
Could rid me of my terrible disease.
And soon I felt my legs carrying me
To a toilet where my unfortunate relief would be.
 
And so I felt my throat gagging,
My stomach contracting,
Former food rising,
And tears falling from my eyes
Like the food out of my mouth,
Stomach squeezing out its contents
Like a turkey baster.
 
And when I finished vomiting, I felt so much better,
And was soon hit by a revelation.
 
For when one is throwing up,
Tossing their cookies, blowing chunks,
Hurling, retching, heaving, spewing,
Or any colorful term of regurgitating,
Life becomes so seemingly simple.
 
Because when on is hurling their brains out,
And when every chunk of acid coated food
Comes out the way it came,

Life isn’t about politics or war,
Fashion or movies, computers or sports.
Life becomes that seemingly impossible task
Of keeping a meal where it is
Intended to be.

 
[Based on a real experience.]

Well here's a blog so that anyone who wants to know about me can read about me. Wah hoo.
More content to come. I'm seriously thinking about starting a webcomic and it'll most likely go here. as the main site for it. iunno.
I hope I have fun here.